Bronze sculpture of a lobo howling near a pathway on the UNM campus

Trying to Remain Positive Can Be a Very Hard Job

I know I’ve mentioned on here before that my hope was that I would start writing more on my dissertation if I could get some creative juices flowing and get writing on another, less important project. I know I’ve only really been at this for a little bit, but I don’t feel like I’m getting any more done this way.

In fact, some nights I have a lot of trouble even wanting to look at a screen anymore. I’m just tired of everything.

I’ve never seriously considered giving up on my doctorate. Not even once. Tonight feels…a little different, though. I don’t know if this is just some sort of low point and I’ll feel tons better tomorrow, and get all sorts of good work done at that point and everything will work out okay, but it doesn’t feel like there’s any sort of end in sight for this. The writer’s block feels like it’s not just settling in for the long haul, it feels like it’s got backing from wealthy real estate developers and it’s going to start building strip malls and housing developments.

It could also be that I’m feeling pretty tired. I shouldn’t, but I do.

Is this ever going to get done? I only have until July to finish the whole process, which means that I need to be done writing by, like, March.

Still, I go to work every day, stare at the screen, make little changes to the sentences I’ve already written until I like the way it sounds, and then completely blank when it comes to writing some thing new. I stare at the screen. That’s really what my job is, more than anything else.

Gods, I hate this. I hate it so much.

That hate kind of transfers to myself, too, because I’ve been given every chance and every advantage, and I still can’t make this happen. I’m letting so, so many people down if I don’t get this fixed. My parents. My advisors. My colleagues and friends. My girlfriend.

My cats, whether they know it or not, since my ability to make money is somehow tied directly to my ability to write this thing.

I can’t even focus on this post enough to make it coherent, nor do I seem to have the wherewithal to go back and make it make sense. If you’re lost reading this, I’m sorry. That’s because I’m lost writing it.

I think I’m just going to go lie down for a few minutes and see if I can’t clear my head. I still have 8,000 steps to get tonight (it’s about 8:30 pm as I write this). So many things to get done. Why can’t I do any of them?

I’m either just weak or something’s wrong with me. It kind of has to be one of those two things. I’ll have to interrogate the ideas for veracity once I wake up, but I’m going to see if a nap can help things at all.

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One Comment

  1. UPDATE: The nap helped, but only a little bit. I managed to get going just in time to be able to get my steps in for the day, so I haven’t had much of a chance to write. I’ll do some of that right now. This is ridiculous and I still hate it, but if I fail, it won’t be from lack of trying.

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